Sweet Dreams Are Made of This: Elegy on Lost Loves

Hot. Fluffy on the inside. Crispy on the outside, especially around the hole, Just the right amount of sweetness in the yeasty dough mixing with the warm taste of clean oil. Fresh from the fryer and rolled in granulated sugar. Melting in my mouth with goodness. The umami reaction of satisfaction merging with the sweet sugar. The smells of the doughnut shop: batter, oil, sugar, fruit fillings, cream, coffee. The knowing how wonderful that first bite is going to be even before I turn off the car and enter through the door.

I dreamed of doughnuts for the whole first month I became gluten free. I haven't dreamed of them for quite a while now, but last weekend, Mr. Saurus made a stop by Golden Donuts in Azle on the way to other errands. I took one step inside the store and came to a complete stop. I haven't been in a doughnut shop for years, and instantly I was transported back to my old life.

I have always loved donuts, even as a child. In grade school my mexi-american classmates would tease me about my name, calling me doughnut. I didn't mind so much. Doughnuts are wonderful things, and if they want to give me the name of a wonderful thing, I'd take it. My dad used to occasionally make doughnuts by dropping canned biscuits into hot oil. Despite their humble origins, I'd eat those just as readily as the shop-made kind.

My last meal, if I ever were to find myself in that situation, would be a plate of HOT doughnuts, just out of the fryer and rolled in granulated sugar, delivered approximately 4 hours before I was scheduled to depart this material world. I would get to experience one of the world's most glorious creations as my last memory, and by 4 hours, the migraine would be so bad that I would see death as a relief.

This weekend when the Mr. wanted to stop by Golden Donuts I agreed to come along for the ride, but decided not to go in. The loss is still too fresh and the longing too strong. I was sad after last week, actually sorrowful. I didn't realize until then how much I still loved and missed these simple fried breads. I have been sad all week.

I miss you, Doughnuts.